How to be a bitch

This girl needs a serious lesson on how toilets work. I hate it when my girlfriend's aren't house broken. 

But let's be serious for a moment: whenever a girl/date says "I have to go to the bathroom" in a crowded club or bar and then never returns because the line is ridiculously long... It must be because bitches like this decide the (handicapped) stall is their private VIP room where they can drink and chat without being disturbed.   

I'd feel a little better if I thought she overpaid for that fancy watered down cocktail, but she probably tricked me into it somehow.

Westwood hobos: student edition

Are you serious.  Dirty panties are hung to dry between graffiti-etched concrete walls which appear to be supporting a tin roof.  Who knew students lived in such squalor.  

I hope this picture was taken in a third world country or the girl is part of some sort of student-hobo exchange program.  Maybe she's forced to live this way because she's too proud to sell her body.  

So, kind readers of TOS, would you rather be homeless or a prostitute?  

Four ways NOT to exist

Kids, here are four examples of how you should not to exist on campus, off campus, or generally in life.  From right to left: Shitty sunglasses, shitty sunglasses, skull face, and really shitty sunglasses.

Shirtlessness is douchey...

1. When you're wearing a bowtie.

2. When it's cold enough to wear a beenie.  

3. When you're wearing a jacket and a hat. 

4. When you're a douchebag.  

The reBROductive cycle

Please read in a British accent.

By the dim light of the setting sun, the two bros crawl cautiously from the safety of the water onto dry land.  

As day gives way to dusk, the mating dance begins.  The well practiced bro performs the dance on his head and hands so as to more prominently display his genitalia.  By spreading his legs high in the air, he signals that he is ready to accept a suitor.  

As night falls, the beach is filled with the cries of courting bros.  The morning sun will reveal nests of bro eggs scattered all over the beach.  After hatching, the juvenile bros inhabit the beach for several days, dressed by their parents in Quicksilver board shorts and DC shoes and nourished by sweet Monster Energy Drink.

When they are old enough to leave, some will go to college and become frat bros, others will drink cheap American beer to excess and die.  Nontheless, enough survivors will come back to the beach (the lazy ones will go to the Sunset Canyon Rec Center) and reproduce again, completing the circle of life.   

Two bros at their natural mating ground: the beach.

Wearing Daddy's Shirt

This picture is quite literal I think.  He is a kid wearing his dad's dress shirt that is a couple sizes too big and he is drinking Gatorade for the electrolytes so that he can party till midnight.  Wear a shirt that fits, idiot.

Even if his drink is actually a friend's toxic Gatorade cocktail - the staple of any freshman's lame dorm room life - he is still pretty pathetic.

Being Cool is all About Confidence

People will tell you that being cool is all in your head.  Just be confident, believe that you are cool, and you will be cool.  Unfortunately for this dude that's all bullshit. You need Booze and Bitches and not to wear cargo shorts.